This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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