just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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