This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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