Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
