You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
