made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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