My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you guys were way drunker than both of me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
