We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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