things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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