He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
