Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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