Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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