I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
