this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
