She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
