how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
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My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
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People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt