when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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