just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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