wanna go halves on a baby?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
