her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
