nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think i have two assholes
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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