Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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