On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
