I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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