Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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