I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
