don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
