just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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