Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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