what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
