All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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