dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
