The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
