I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
