Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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