Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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