I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
