If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
