we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
