I'm going to jail i love you
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
