no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
