Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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