saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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