Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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