At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
