no, he came in my armpit
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
