I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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