Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
