i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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