Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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