I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
