and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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