I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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