Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
