i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
