I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
