last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
