The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
