my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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