Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
